Melacholy and the Overwhelming Sadness

My mom-in-law came home from the hospital in January.

When she came home, hospice came with her.

With her illness, there were no expectations set with respect to how much time we would have with her.

Praise God she has been a real trooper for the last 7 months.

Lately there has been a tremendous change.

According to hospice, she is in the pre-active stage of death.

The pre-active stage of death can be 2-3 weeks, sometimes more.

Over the last few days, mom has told me she loves me countless times.

Over the last few days, mom has told me that I've been so good to her.

Over the last few days, mom has expressed abundant appreciation.

I am so thankful for this time with mom.

Selfishly, I want more time.

I need more time.

We haven't always been close.

There have been times when we didn't speak to each other for months.

I am filled with regret over the lost time.

I'm filled with sadness over what our relationship could have been.

What it should have been.

Sadly, a person got in the way...and we both allowed it.

There is no going back.

There is only here and now.

I will cherish this time that we measure, not in days but, in moments.

I will show her in word and in deed that I am here for her.

And I love her.

Remembering my Granny Inez.

Today I am thinking of my precious Granny Inez.  She is no longer on earth, but I KNOW without a shred of doubt, she is in HEAVEN! 

My first memories of my Granny Inez are from when she came to visit us in Colorado back in the early 70s.  She came half way across the US to see us via a Greyhound Bus.  We made signs on cardboard and waited impatiently for the bus.  At this time in my life, I hardly knew my Granny Inez, but of one thing I was certain - I LOVED HER!  My momma told me that I was just shaking when Granny Inez stepped off that bus.  

During that trip, she and I went on an adventure in the field behind our house.  She chewed Red Man tobacco at the time (EEWWW, GROSS) and I was so intrigued by it she let me chew a little piece.  It was the nastiest nasty I ever put in my mouth.  But, it was bonding time and a quick cure for any thoughts I might have had at the age of 5 about tobacco being cool.  It's so not cool.

That night when it was time for her bath, I wanted to go in the bathroom with her.  I was a velcro child to the granny I rarely got to see.  My mom came to rush me out of there.  I desperately told my momma that I just wanted to look at her.  I think my sweet granny let me stay.

I loved my Granny Inez with all my might for all of the years we were together here on earth.  I honestly feel that she was my kindred spirit.  She loved unconditionally.  She gave of her time and talents unselfishly.  She and I had many hours of just being silly.  She and I had many hours of being serious.  She was one of my closest friends and one of my greatest champions.  She believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself.  She loved Jesus and shared His love with everyone - an angel on earth until she went to be with Him in January 1995 after a six month battle with brain cancer. 

I miss her so...